Better Than Python
by Chelion
Summary: The Dwarf crew get stuck in a VR game based on Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Anything from Red Dwarf or Monty Python do not belong to me. My apologies to any fans of either series.

"I'm bored."

Cat was lounging at his pilot's station aboard Starbug, poking at a pair of fuzzy dice he'd installed on the rear-view mirror. "Ain't nothing to do on this hunk of space junk. No ladies, no small things to chase, no shiny things..."

"You're bored because you want to be bored," Rimmer answered smugly. "Those of us with keener intellect can find things to keep ourselves occupied in even the dullest situations."

Lister rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it takes an absolute genius to press a scan button every few seconds to look for derelict ships." He sighed and threw his magazine down. "Cat's right. This is boring. Why don't we pop down to the VR room and play a game?"

"What, and just leave Starbug on auto-pilot while we are incapacitated?" Rimmer asked. "What if something happens?"

"Tell me, Rimmer, you've probably scanned for ships 40 or 50 times in the last minute. How many did you find, exactly?"

Rimmer huffed. "Well, nothing in close range. Or long range, precisely." He pressed the button again. "As of this moment, this exact moment, the nearest ship is...5 light years away."

"Right," said Lister. "Let's go."

"How about this one?" Kryten asked. "Better Than Python! Sounds like great fun!"

"What's a python?" Cat asked.

"It's a programming language, used to run shell scripts," Kryten answered.

Cat looked at him with a puzzled expression, then looked to Rimmer. "What's a python?" he repeated.

"A python is a giant, man-eating snake," said Rimmer. "I suggest we play this one - 'Morris Dancing Revolution.'"

"No it isn't," Lister said. "Python is part of 'Monty Python,' the comedy team from 20th century Britain. This particular game is about the movie, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which is a comedy about the medieval legend of King Arthur. No snakes, no programming, no smegging Morris dancing. We're playing this one." He popped the game into the reader and the character selection screen came up.

"King Arthur," said Rimmer. "That's me."

"Sorry, Rimsy," Lister said, diving for the character button. "I got it first." Rimmer made a face and looked over the characters again.

"I'll be Sir Galahad," said Cat, reaching for the button.

"You do realize that's 'Sir Galahad, the PURE,' don't you, Mr. Cat?" Kryten asked.

Cat pulled his hand back sharply. "Did I say Galahad? I meant Lancelot." He pressed the button and entered the game.

"I shall be Sir Galahad," said Kryten as he made his choice.

Rimmer sighed. "And that leaves me with...Sir Robin, the Not-Quite-So-Pure-as-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. Sounds about right." He pushed the button and joined the rest of the crew in the game. "So what do we do now?" he asked.

"I think," said Lister, "that since we're on multiplayer mode, we've skipped the first bit of the movie. We've just burned a witch on the charge of being made of wood." Rimmer gave him a strange look. "And we're on our way to Camelot."

"So we're on some kind of medieval spaceship?" Cat asked. "I didn't know the Dark Ages looked just like Starbug!"

"It didn't," said Lister. "There must have been some kind of malfunction. Let's reload and start again." He clapped his hands to deactivate the VR visor. Nothing happened. "Smeg, not again!" he cried.

"What is going on?" Rimmer asked in a panicked voice.

"It appears the game has malfunctioned," Kryten explained. "We are trapped inside until we come to the conclusion of the storyline."

Cat looked like he was going to pass out. "You mean I'm stuck in tights and a burlap sack until we can find a way out of this?"

Rimmer ignored him. "So how do we get out of here?" he asked.

Lister grinned. "Finish the game. Find the Holy Dwarf."


	2. Chapter 2

The four adventurers were standing in the cockpit of the Starbug when a beautiful, glowing ship appeared before them.

"Camelot," breathed Lister.

"Camelot," Rimmer repeated.

"Camelot," Cat said because everyone else was doing it.

"It's only a model," Kryten said, staring at his scanners.

"What?!" said Rimmer, rushing over to see for himself. "But we must find the Camelot to meet the Knights of the Round Table! We have no hope of finding the Holy Dwarf without them!"

"It's not a model," Lister said, himself staring at the scanners. "Look, it's got no mass. It's a holoship."

Everyone turned to stare at Rimmer, who backed away uneasily. "Look, you've got to, man. It's our only hope. We can't go over there, but you can. Just switch over to soft light, teleport over, and tell us what you see." Lister paused, and then added for emphasis. "Brave Sir Robin."

Rimmer straightened up and tried to make himself look important. "You're right. I must go. Alone. Into the dark."

"Yep," said Lister, grabbing the teleporter and pointing it at Rimmer. "Bye."

"So this is where we get on with the real mission, then, right?" Cat asked, ready to send the engines into overdrive.

"No," Lister said with a grin. "He comes back."

"Since you have seen the movie the game is based on, why did you have to send Mr. Rimmer at all?" asked Kryten. "You know what is over there, and since it is a soft light holoship, anything on it is of no use to us anyway."

Lister's grin widened. "You'll see."

A few moments later, Rimmer reappeared in the navigation room. His hair was disheveled, his holographic clothes dirty, and bruises lined his jaw. He waved a hand in front of the light bee, switching himself back to hard light mode. "Let's not go to Camelot," he said after a moment. "It is a silly place."

"What's happening, dudes?" a voice said as a familiar bald head appeared on the front window.

"Holly!" Lister shouted. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm part of the game. It seems I've been cast into the role of God."

"It's great to see you, Hol," Lister said excitedly. "How do we get out of here?"

"Aren't you forgetting something?" the computer asked.

"Yeah, an iron," Cat said, tugging at his sleeves. "All my creases are in the wrong places. I don't know how people survived in the Dark Ages. I would have died from lack of fashion."

"No, no," Holly responded. "I mean, I am God now. My IQ is so high I haven't invented a number for it yet. Shouldn't you be grovelling or averting your eyes or something? Only seems respectful."

"You wish," said Rimmer. "The only thing that makes me avert my eyes is Lister's personal grooming habits, and that's only out of revulsion."

"Wait a minute, Hol," Lister said. "We're supposed to grovel and avert our eyes, and then you tell us not to."

"Why would I do a thing like that?"

Lister shrugged. "You find it annoying, I guess."

"I'll never understand you humans' fascination with religion," Holly said, shaking his head. "It's inconsistencies like this that made the idea of a god fail in every other civilized society."

Rimmer sighed exasperatedly. "Look, you senile lump of rusty circuitry, just tell us how to get out of this game. I'll put some fruit on my head and do the hula if you want, just get us back to Starbug!"

"It's not as easy as you think," Holly said. "You've got to complete your quest."

"But I have completed my quest," Cat protested. "I've been voted the Universe's Sexiest Cat five years running! Can I go back, now?"

Lister shook his head. "Not that quest, Cat. The quest that has driven mankind for centuries. The Holy Grail."

"Dwarf, sir," Kryten corrected. "The Holy Dwarf. You said so yourself."

"Well, that is kind of our own personal Holy Grail, isn't it?" Lister asked. "The game has thrown in bits and pieces of our reality into the story. God becomes Holly, and the Grail becomes the Dwarf. Maybe the game is some kind of clue as the the Dwarf's location." He turned to Holly. "So how do we find it, then, Holly?"

"You're not going to like it," the computer responded, then paused and looked towards Rimmer. "Well, he is, but the rest of you aren't."

"What, Holly?" Rimmer asked. "What is it I'm going to like?"

"Aliens."

"Aliens?"

"Aliens," the computer repeated. "Real, live aliens. You'll find the universe has shifted somewhat since you joined the game. You've got to go to the nearest planet, and use your wits and intellect to convince its inhabitants to join you. It's the only way."

Rimmer looked panicked. "Are you sure there isn't any other way?"

"Thanks, Holly," Lister said. "See you on the Dwarf."

Holly smiled. "Good luck, guys," he said before he faded off the screen. The four guys looked at eachother askance.

Finally, Lister said, "Well, that's it, guys. Kryten, where's the nearest planet?"

"About 2 days away, sir, in a north easterly direction."

Lister clapped his hands together and hopped into his seat at the helm. "Alright, then. Cat, lay in a course. Time to go impress some aliens. Let's just hope they don't use chopsticks."


	3. Chapter 3

"We're in orbit range," Cat said excitedly as the planet before them loomed nearer.

"Well, take it down, then," Lister said. "Let's go see what we're up against.

"Excuse me, sir," said Kryten. "We're being hailed by a guard ship." He listened for a moment, then his mouth twisted into an exaggerated frown.

"What is it, Kryten?" Lister asked.

"I don't want to tell you, sir," he cried. "It's too horrible! And everyone was in such good spirits, I just can't ruin everyone's day by relaying this message to you."

"Spit it out, bolts for brains," Rimmer snapped. Kryten shook his head.

"We need to know, Kryten," Lister said in a soothing tone. "Just tell us."

"They won't let us land!" the mechanoid shrieked. "They won't even let us orbit! They want us to go away!"

"We'll see about that," Lister said determinedly. "Put them on speaker, I'll reason with them."

"Wait a minute, Listy," Rimmer broke in, "Holly said we'd need wits to outsmart these creatures. I'll talk to them."

"You?" Lister asked. "You've got about as much wits as a telephone insurance salesman."

"I'm afraid that Mr. Rimmer could not speak to the aliens, even if he did have the mental capacity to outsmart them," Kryten said. "I will demonstrate." Kryten pushed a button and the cockpit was filled with a series of whines and clicks.

"Who lives on this planet," Cat asked, plugging his ears, "a bunch of American Idol contestants?"

"They are speaking in binary," Kryten explained. "I will attempt to translate."

Rimmer attempted to look severe. "No need to," he said. "Tell them to move their craft and allow us to proceed unmolested or we shall blow them out of the sky."

Kryten relayed the message against his better judgement. He paused, receiving the reply. A look of fear suddenly crossed his face. "They say, 'Get out of our atmosphere, you filthy pig-dog before we release the vache.'"

"Vache, that's French," said Cat. "You know what they say about French girls. I can't date a girl with more body hair than me. Let's get out of here!"

"Tell them this, Kryten," Lister said. "Tell them we are in search of the Red Dwarf and we need their help. Tell them it's a holy quest for a holey ship. Decrepit, even."

"Yes, Mr. Lister, sir," Kryten nodded, and repeated the message. A pause. "They say they've already got one."

"So they're the ones who have stolen the Red Dwarf," shouted Rimmer. "Let's just blow them up, swing down planetside, grab the Dwarf and get back to reality."

"They are powering up their weapons," Kryten said.

"On second thought, I couldn't bear to leave Starbug," said Rimmer. "It's become like a second home. Suggest we run away!"

"Too late," Kryten said, as a blue laser eminated from the alien ship. It engulfed the Starbug, but appeared to do no physical damage. Suddenly, a strange noise came from the dining area. The four adventurers looked at each other and then rushed into the small kitchen. On top of the table there stood a brown and white, very confused-looking cow.

"Moo," said the cow.

"Well, at least now we'll have fresh milk," Lister mused.

"And eggs," said Cat, pointing to a chicken who had just materialized on the kitchen counter.

"Off!" Kryten shouted to the poultry as two more chickens and a pig materialized. "I just cleaned that counter! Get down from it now!" He swatted at the birds, sending feathers flying everywhere.

"Let's get out of here before we have to convert the lavatories to stables!" Lister shouted, running back to the cockpit. Cat threw the engines into reverse, sending Starbug well out of range of the foreign planet.

"What are we going to do?" asked Rimmer after they were at a safe distance.

"We have a roast?" suggested Cat.

Lister was thinking. "In the movie, they build a giant rabbit out of wood, and then send it into the castle, upon which they leap out of it and attack from within."

"Brilliant idea, Listy," Rimmer quipped, "but with two flaws. One, we're in space. Two, we've got no wood."

"I know, I know," Lister said. Then an idea struck him. "What if we made a fake ship?!" he exclaimed. "We could use it as a diversion, and while the aliens are busy filling it with livestock, we could slip on down to the planet."

"I think you're forgetting problem number two," Rimmer said. "No wood."

"Not out of wood, you goit," Lister said. "Out of garbage! Kryten won't let us eject anything until we reach a landfill-zoned planet. We've got enough stored up in the compactors to build ten ships!"

Rimmer and the cat both stared at Lister. Finally, Rimmer said, "We're going to die, aren't we?"

The alien craft watched the sky suspiciously. There was something not right out there. Strange shaped seemed to move in the distance. They looked almost like stray Pot Noodle containers floating in space. "On your guard," one alien said to another, who nodded, hand on the Vache trigger. Suddenly a ship floated into view. "Fire!" shouted the first alien. The second pulled the trigger, sending the blue beam directly at the ship. The beam penetrated the ship until it suddenly exploded. The guard rushed toward the viewscreen. He had never seen a ship explode like that one. It just...disintegrated. Cows, chickens, and sheep floated lifelessly from the wreckage. Upon closer inspection, the guard noticed that they seemed to be floating in a sea of used Indian TV dinner packages, candy bar wrappers, and hair cream containers. The guard narrowed his eyes and sent a message to the planet's surface.

"Yes!" shouted Lister as he stepped off the Starbug. "A brilliant plan, that was." The four of them surveyed the planet. They had landed Starbug in a field across from a river that separated them from a busy metropolitan area.

"So now what?" Rimmer asked. "How do we get across?"

Kryten scanned the banks. "I suggest we split up, sir," he said. "I will take that ferry across to the city. You, Mr. Lister and the cat can go off in different directions in search of the Red Dwarf."

"Sounds good," Lister said while Rimmer rolled his eyes. "We'll meet up back here in 24 hours to report on what we've found."

And so, the four went off in their separate ways to create adventures of their own.


End file.
